Square One
Sep 26, 2009 faith
I get started with lots of projects, songs, etc., finishing, and finishing well, is the hard part. The reward for finishing well is that wonderful sense of accomplishment that pumps “mojo” into the creativity engine so I can press on. Lately I’m finding that finishing can require stepping back, even as far back as square one, which I generally have a hard time doing.
Going back to square one generally implies starting over with a clean slate. Of course not necessarily throwing away good work when it’s just a matter of missing pieces or the content I already have merely needs to be sequenced differently. Might be simple as a different font in a layout, flipping a lyric from first to third person, removing a bridge that didn’t need to be there in the first place. It all starts with stepping back and looking at the overall flow of the context of the work and my goals for the effort.
So, blah — blah, we all rewrite, redesign and reinvent… but I’m at the point now where I have bigger questions and realize I may need to go back to square one in major areas of life. My wife and I are about to celebrate our 25th anniversary. Our oldest boys are readying for major changes in their lives, which will most certainly impact our home life. We’ve lived in Charlotte for over 13+ years and can’t honestly say it’s ever really felt like home. After working at the same place at the same type of job for over 11 years now, I feel I’ve reached the point of asking what I need to do next. Though not necessarily outside the field of technology, though certainly outside the confines and politics of a huge corporation, to perhaps a situation enabling me to blend my technology experience with some semblance of meaningful endeavor(s), hopefully in a highly creative environment — not asking for much, huh?
Thinking back 10 years, I was playing music primarily at church, and perhaps enjoying it more than I had in a long while, there was purpose again. Then a shift some 2-3 years ago when I began pulling away from that environment when it became more like a job than ministry. Now, I’m writing and performing my own songs, albeit not nearly as frequently as I ought, and I’ve re-tooled and honed my musicianship. I feel ready… OK, but ready for what?
Whatever it is, I’m thinking it’s going to take more time for deliberate, honest soul searching and self-assessment, as well as reaching out to mentors and those I trust and respect for input and wisdom. Seems I’ve spent so much time and energy to get to this point in my life, whatever point it might be, that going back to square one isn’t a logical option.
Leaving NY for FL in a car that shouldn’t make it 100 miles wasn’t perceived as sound logic by my family and friends. The car died the day after I got to Ft. Myers, my life, however, was almost instantly rejuvenated. Joining the Navy as a musician at the age of 30 might seem even crazier. And though I couldn’t wait to get out after my first tour, which included turning down a bass instructor’s gig at the Armed Forces School of Music just before getting out, two years later to the date I re-enlisted. This time with a whole new outlook and set of goals. During my second mini-tour of just over two years I got to go to Russia, the Azores and take my musicianship to new heights. I also went back to school to learn technology, which ultimately led us to Charlotte, a place we had no idea even existed, to work for a software development company that was just revving up. At face value, this move didn’t make much sense, either.
In my mind, these are all square one moves, moves that had huge positive impacts on my life. Some of the fruit of these moves wasn’t there for picking early on, and each required significant growing pains, not to mention some very painful mistakes I made along the way. Maybe that’s the part that gives me greatest pause. What do I have to let go of, what struggles will come, how much faith will I need? There’s a quiet excitement surging through me, prompting me to watch and listen closely to life, to not ignore any stirring of my heart. Not sure what square one might even look like these days, good news is I don’t necessarily need to know it when I see it.