zero360|music

Walk the Wire

Oct 24, 2009 faith, songwriting Leave a comment

Seems like forever since feeling as though I may be getting caught up on things. Though most likely a mere illusion, I woke today with that sense. I had to put some people and possibilities off to get to this point, and the only reason I’m home today is because I finally ran myself down to the point where I had to take the day off… I’m supposed to be in the studio working on finishing the EP. Not sure if I’m getting the flu or I’m just out of gas, either way, I knew I had to slow down and take a me-day.

Even though I’m “off”, I’ll likely spend some time today re-writing the potential last track for the EP titled “Walk the Wire” (at least that’s what it’s titled right now). I feel strongly about this title because it’s like I’m walking a wire with almost everything I’m doing these days. Plus, the background for my new website, which should be released in the next 2-3 weeks, has the image of wires across the top, and kinda sparked the idea to begin with.

Navigating the chaos and politics everyday at work is a high wire act, no net, no paramedic waiting below. Life at home with kids aged 9-21 is a delicate balancing act — being there for my wife and family when they need me, and staying out of the way when they don’t. Stoking the embers of creativity instead of caving in to curling up on the couch with a cup of tea or red wine is a frequent challenge I have to kick myself to do, but do I must. Carving out enough time for me to refuel by flesh, to nurture and motivate my spirit is at times an exercise in futility, exemplified by the brick wall I hit yesterday afternoon.

I argue with myself that other than the non-negotiable challenges of life, it’s my own being that puts me on that wire. Sure, I could let go of dreams most likely unattainable, or play the coward and walk away from responsibilities I’ll live with till I die… but, any way I slice it, if I don’t walk the wire, take the challenges and risks and get bloody along the way, what will I have to look back on in the end?

2009 © zero360music

Square One

Sep 26, 2009 faith Leave a comment

I get started with lots of projects, songs, etc., finishing, and finishing well, is the hard part. The reward for finishing well is that wonderful sense of accomplishment that pumps “mojo” into the creativity engine so I can press on. Lately I’m finding that finishing can require stepping back, even as far back as square one, which I generally have a hard time doing.

Going back to square one generally implies starting over with a clean slate. Of course not necessarily throwing away good work when it’s just a matter of missing pieces or the content I already have merely needs to be sequenced differently. Might be simple as a different font in a layout, flipping a lyric from first to third person, removing a bridge that didn’t need to be there in the first place. It all starts with stepping back and looking at the overall flow of the context of the work and my goals for the effort.

So, blah — blah, we all rewrite, redesign and reinvent… but I’m at the point now where I have bigger questions and realize I may need to go back to square one in major areas of life. My wife and I are about to celebrate our 25th anniversary. Our oldest boys are readying for major changes in their lives, which will most certainly impact our home life. We’ve lived in Charlotte for over 13+ years and can’t honestly say it’s ever really felt like home. After working at the same place at the same type of job for over 11 years now, I feel I’ve reached the point of asking what I need to do next. Though not necessarily outside the field of technology, though certainly outside the confines and politics of a huge corporation, to perhaps a situation enabling me to blend my technology experience with some semblance of meaningful endeavor(s), hopefully in a highly creative environment — not asking for much, huh?

Thinking back 10 years, I was playing music primarily at church, and perhaps enjoying it more than I had in a long while, there was purpose again. Then a shift some 2-3 years ago when I began pulling away from that environment when it became more like a job than ministry. Now, I’m writing and performing my own songs, albeit not nearly as frequently as I ought, and I’ve re-tooled and honed my musicianship. I feel ready… OK, but ready for what?

Whatever it is, I’m thinking it’s going to take more time for deliberate, honest soul searching and self-assessment, as well as reaching out to mentors and those I trust and respect for input and wisdom. Seems I’ve spent so much time and energy to get to this point in my life, whatever point it might be, that going back to square one isn’t a logical option.

Leaving NY for FL in a car that shouldn’t make it 100 miles wasn’t perceived as sound logic by my family and friends. The car died the day after I got to Ft. Myers, my life, however, was almost instantly rejuvenated. Joining the Navy as a musician at the age of 30 might seem even crazier. And though I couldn’t wait to get out after my first tour, which included turning down a bass instructor’s gig at the Armed Forces School of Music just before getting out, two years later to the date I re-enlisted. This time with a whole new outlook and set of goals. During my second mini-tour of just over two years I got to go to Russia, the Azores and take my musicianship to new heights. I also went back to school to learn technology, which ultimately led us to Charlotte, a place we had no idea even existed, to work for a software development company that was just revving up. At face value, this move didn’t make much sense, either.

In my mind, these are all square one moves, moves that had huge positive impacts on my life. Some of the fruit of these moves wasn’t there for picking early on, and each required significant growing pains, not to mention some very painful mistakes I made along the way. Maybe that’s the part that gives me greatest pause. What do I have to let go of, what struggles will come, how much faith will I need? There’s a quiet excitement surging through me, prompting me to watch and listen closely to life, to not ignore any stirring of my heart. Not sure what square one might even look like these days, good news is I don’t necessarily need to know it when I see it.

Manna

Sep 19, 2009 sojourn Leave a comment

The last 3-4 weeks are a blur. Lots of good things happening, but all in all there’s just too much going on. Seems I need a data base of late just to manage the to do lists.

This morning before heading out the ball fields to watch my daughter’s soccer game, I got caught up in a thought that has been gnawing at me for some time, literally years. What ever became of the compassionate man who nurtured me through one of the most turbulent seasons of my life through my senior year and just after graduating high school back in 19…

He had a farm in the middle of the little town of Circleville, NY that served as his haven from the city on weekends. I can still smell the fresh wheat grains baking into loaves as a group of us would knock on the screen door and yell for Don. He’d promptly greet us with “Come in, hope you’re hungry, there’s lots of work to be done.” From cutting vegetables for the turkey soup, chopping wood, raking leaves or cleaning out the several fireplaces in preparation for the evening supper, then a time of stories and fellowship.

The old farm house, affectionately named “Manna” had been restored, but still had all the rough qualities of life in the late 1800’s. Though there was electricity in the house, it was used sparingly for cooking and utilities. A fireplace in every room, creaky oak stairways and 10×10“ beams on display that provided structural integrity for the house as well as serving as a means of hanging herbs, pots and pans, etc. The owner, an artist among many other things, had painted the four seasons on each of the living room walls, meticulous scenes of colonial life laced with his own expressions of love for the environment… mind you, this was LONG before GREEN was on everyone’s mind.

I recall the year he decided to build a chapel in the barn so we could hold Christmas Eve service by candlelight. We worked hard cutting and hauling huge timber beams, and gutting the old structure. The vision complete, we celebrated and sang Christmas songs and ate and drank. There was joy and there were tears.

There were times when I’d go there alone, knowing it was too early for him to be there on a Friday afternoon, and just sit outside and wait or walk down to the barn or through the fields and feel free of the world. During a particularly tough season not long before I left NY for FL in 19…, I spent quite few late November days venting my heart break and emotions among the birds and deer, realizing I needed drastic change in my life. I wandered away from the house out toward the gravel access road leading back to civilization and came across a very large oblong plastic container. It had writing on it, and while I can’t recall the exact words, it was my friend’s version of a time capsule. I didn’t dare turn it over to see what was inside, some things are deeply personal and sacred, even back then I knew that. But it read something like, “…how we care for the earth and its inhabitants is how we care for our own being.”

I sat down and began to pray, not necessarily in a religious manner, but as a means of communion with the moment, the earth and God. It was like all the time in the past few years at Manna was in preparation for this moment. The kindness and compassion our friend showed myself and the buddies I’d go there with was also was intuitively blended with the challenge of living with integrity, of knowing the importance of thinking through decisions — of fairness and justice.

To this day, I have no idea how we found Manna or its owner, Donald Bailey Tirrell. The house was well of the beaten path, yet smack dab in the middle of all the back roads we’d partied on  during those high school summers in the foothills of the NY Catskills. Though I’d searched previously for Don and Manna, today I found the news I’d hoped I wouldn’t. Don passed away November 1, 2008, less than a year ago, on All Saints Day. I wouldn’t go as far as to say that Don and Manna saved my life. But because I’d stubbornly disavowed myself from my family, Don played a big part in helping me cross the raging river to manhood.

Could be what got me thinking about Don, Manna and Circleville this morning is that fall is almost upon us. And how much I loved autumn in NY, the crisp transition from summer always gave me a sense that I could start over, no matter what the circumstances. I’m totally heartbroken that I didn’t press the issue. That I didn’t listen to the gnawing gut feeling to keep digging until I found Don Tirrell. To at least send a card, or maybe call to let him know how loved he was by the troupe of misfits he welcomed into his home and his life. Now I can only hope and pray that he knew of the deep impact on my life and the vivid memories he so blessed me with.

Topsy Turvy

Aug 22, 2009 DIY Leave a comment

I guess it’s a matter of my schedule to why Saturday is generally the day I sit and banter with myself about what’s going on, and write a blog entry that might make sense or entertain me in a couple of months when I come back to re-read it. This past week was no less hectic than others, but did provide time for preparing to get into the studio to cut tracks for a 4-song EP, so I’m excited, and a bit overwhelmed.

A couple of weeks ago, Bruce Johnson sent a timely email to our NSAI Yahoo group with a link to an excellent document from Disc Makers titled “Planning Your Album from Beginning to End”. I won’t be producing a record, per se, baby steps for now, I’m still feeling my way through the indie forest. But reading through the document a couple of times helped me list out key focal points necessary to even the mini-project I’m about to undertake.

Picking only 4-songs is one of the toughest parts. But financially, it’s all I can do for now, and I’ll take that stepping stone across the stream. One thing I am forcing myself to do, though, is write one new song as part of the first four. The main reason for making this a self-imposed requirement is to try and infuse a fresh edge to the overall set of songs.

I’ll be working with producers Jimm Mosher/Alan Grossman at Hit Music Studios in Spencer, NC. We are scheduled to meet on Monday for pre-production planning and perhaps lay down some scratch tracks for the first couple of songs we settle on. I’m working on narrowing down the list of songs to choose from, plus writing charts for the couple of songs I’m pretty sure we’ll do as well as finish writing at least one new song to throw into the mix out of the batch swirling in my head.

Truth is, since this is my first studio effort with my own material I’m trying not to envision the end state because I want to let things unfold rather than make them happen. Not that I don’t have any idea what I want but heck, Jimm and Alan are way more experienced and will open my ears to creative possibilities I won’t think of on my own.

A few weeks ago we bought a Topsy Turvy, and upside down planter for tomato plants. The thing works great, but oddly enough the tomato plant we bought was mislabeled and turned out to be a green pepper plant! The peppers taste great and I didn’t have to dig a hole to grow them. Just threw a bunch soil in the Topsy Turvy and watered the plant every day. It’s kind of like this indie thing… plant seeds in good soil, water daily and enjoy what grows — even when what I get is the unexpected.

Virtually Inspired

Aug 14, 2009 muse Leave a comment

This past Thursday evening I was looking forward to the “Writing A Song With Dave Berg” session in the SongU.com (SU) e-Auditorium. Since I was playing the role of TA (teacher’s assistant), I made sure my Mac was ready to record the session, and about 10-minutes before it started I logged in and fired up the “classroom” application. This was my first session with video, I knew Danny [Arena] was working on this piece, and it really works well. I need to find out the application he’s using because the quality and responsiveness was quite good.

Dave Berg is one of the hottest writers in Nashville these days, and it took just a few minutes for me to feel totally at home with his attitude and personality. I mean this guy is the real deal, but he’s as unpretentious and humble as can be, which made his words and wisdom all the more meaningful.

As he shared his back story, it was clear Dave hadn’t done anything like this before, that is, a virtual discussion with songwriters from all over the world. For all his success he kept iterating that he was relentless in grinding out songs and learning what it takes to be a successful songwriter in Nashville. His background is playing in rock bands in Portland, OR, so he didn’t grow up listening to country music.

The main topic was around the back story for Stupid Boy, which he wrote with Deanna Bryant and Sarah Buxton, and worked out pretty well for Keith Urban. Interestingly, they (Dave/Sarah/Deanna) chose that day to write a song from a very personal perspective that they thought would never get cut, aside perhaps on their own CDs. It was great to hear Dave keep harping on the fact that sure we have to learn our craft, and learn it well. But it’s not about formulas and writing what we think people want to hear.

Dave proceeded to play a verse/chorus of Stupid Boy live, jaw dropping! Next time in Nashville seeing Dave will be a top priority, provided he’s in town, of course. He then talked about co-writing and the process, the disappointments, the luck, the vast chasm between the ups and downs… but through it all, we write because we want to, because we have to.

Another point he shared that was key for me is that his publishers never tried to take the edge of his writing. Early on A&R folks would say they loved his songs but they weren’t necessarily marketable in the country market. But his management didn’t give him that feedback, they hedged bets his edgy-ness would pay off, cha-ching.

I “enrolled” at SU in the early years, and hazard to guess learned more about songwriting holistically in this environment than others. I’ve considered dropping my membership when I get discouraged and think the change would be good. Truth is, for all the great training and mentoring and collaboration I’ve gleaned from SU, I’ve not exhausted the resource, it’s more about my own lack of discipline and persistence. There’s no way to put a dollar value on the [virtual] inspiration I got from Dave Berg — and this is what SU is about.

Hairballs

Aug 8, 2009 ramblings Leave a comment

Yep, life’s a hairball… a tangled mess. We either live in it or hover just beyond it, but can’t live without it. Get too close, you get sucked in — too far away and you’re isolated from the hairball — but then, what’s life without life?

After my first pass through Gordon McKenzie’s “Orbiting the Giant Hairball,” a book touted to address the mayhem inside large corporate work environments, I got to thinking the same is true of life. Very interesting read, IMO, from the format and style of delivery to the content… I’m buying a copy to keep on my nightstand with the other books I periodically thumb through.

I work in the corporate hairball described and addressed by this book, and have for many years. Having to navigate the gravity surrounding the tornadic swirl of red tape and politics and not get sucked into it — yet not get so far from it that I either quit or get fired, wears the heck out of me. But, as an artist, I’m totally with the proclamation McKenzie makes in the last chapter about “my life’s masterpiece”, entertaining and profound.

[begin rant]

Now, I don’t write politically charged protest songs, and don’t necessarily intend to start — but of late I’m really struggling with all the yak about who’s to blame for the current economic hairball we’re experiencing, why we’ve gone from digging an economic hole with a shovel to a backhoe and all that jazz. Uh, not the [only true] American art form, but the fuzzy math and self-centered “if you don’t agree with me you must be stupid” type of jazz.

Does anyone read history anymore? I mean accurate stuff, not the interpretations and CNN/MSNBC commentary. I mean stuff like how economies cycle, and people get blinded by poop-y promises made by politicians put on pedestals built on the frustration and disillusion of the masses? And how societies crumble because we seemingly [choose to] avoid learning from those mistakes?

Are we so entangled within the hairball, that the simplicity of hope and trust between good people seems out of reach? Has the collective isolation of minds shut off from reality by earbuds, the web, addiction to virtual reality, etc., made it easy for those holding the reigns to steer us down roads we shouldn’t be on?

Sadly, me thinks — YES.

I’m not saying anyone should compromise on what they believe, or give up our 1st Amendment rights. But should we be required to fund (via taxation) abortion and Acorn… should these type of social issues and vehicles of manipulation really be part of the Washington [funded] agenda? Shouldn’t our “representation” be more concerned with ensuring federal funds [aka stimulus] allocated to states keep teachers teaching, roads built and maintained and beefing up local law enforcement and fire departments, instead of building tourist attractions and funding bogus research projects? It concerns me when “we the people” allow the 10 Commandments to be torn down in the name of separation of church and state (and to appease those who like the great opportunities we all have by living in America but aren’t signing up for the heritage part of the deal), then time and again vote in government officials who endorse billions in illicit gain… help me out here?

Any chance we can get back to basics (like “Thou Shall Not Steal” from the taxpayer to bail out the boardroom) before my hairball adventure is over? Is common sense passé?

[end rant]

I recently read CB’s blog about “needing to write,” which really speaks to me. I do need to write, but sometimes avoid writing what I’m really passionate about. Like God, the one who I believe sent Jesus, so we could have a reason to hope in a future past the hairball… controversial, for sure. And I believe in living life to the fullest, while not abusing my body or taking advantage of others, also controversial to many. I also believe the music industry has blown its feet off up to its hips, and now barely keeps its collective head above water with gimmicky playlists.

True artists will keep good music and song alive, for the sake of art, in the name of hope. I can only hope to be part of this troupe, and that I’ll continue to create my own masterpiece. One thing’s for sure, whatever it is I write next will be from the gravity surrounding the hairballs I’m living with… whee!

Spectator Sport

Aug 2, 2009 muse Leave a comment

Sometimes a couple of weeks go by when I feel more like a spectator than participant, life on auto-pilot. Good news is auto-pilot helps keep the bus out of the ditch and I’m a fairly tuned-in spectator.

Last night I played a show in the midst of a very busy modern day village (Birkdale). Lots of restaurants and shops and people. Right in front of the stage there is grassy area encased by hedges where folks sat on chairs or blankets or the grass to listen and enjoy the transition from late afternoon sun to moonlit evening. It’s not a very large area, and there’s no broadening it because of the hedges and fencing that’s part of a perimeter surrounding a really cool fountain and pergola covered sitting areas with benches.

Not just any fountain, mind you, but a playground for kids to have an absolute blast while mom and/or dad stand by with towels and snacks. Of course lots of pics and video were being shot — everyone is just hangin’ and relaxin’ and having a good time. Then, at one point, Kevin, our lead picker asks (and I’m paraphrasing), “What’s it say about us that only the kids are running through the fountain?”.

Well, that thought didn’t resonate until later when I got home, unloaded, and sat down to unwind… why were there no grown-ups in the midst of the fountain, getting wet and letting go, too? Heck, it was a real sticky summer night, still 80+ degrees at 9:00 as we were winding down our set (love these early gigs). Truth is, I doubt I would have been getting wet either, but in retrospect, and if the opportunity comes up where I’m there with my kids, I may be more inclined to so after pondering Kevin’s question… the essence of which is, why be a spectator when you can participate?

Serendipitously, on Friday I’d decided to get back to my indie game plan. Now some of this means serious contemplation of what’s next… committing to decisions and living with the outcome of choosing to do something or not, and having no regrets. Which also means dipping into the fairly shallow pool of funds I’ve managed to scrimp and save over the last few months. Seems deciding how to use these bucks is always tough. But decide I must if I’m going to play the game, rather than sit in the stands and watch. It’s all good, and I’m thinking, about to get a whole lot better.

So thanks to Kevin and the big splash those kids were making last night… this ain’t no spectator sport.

Recovery Coffeehouse

Jul 21, 2009 sojourn Leave a comment

I didn’t have any idea what to expect when I showed up at Anuvia Prevention & Recovery Saturday afternoon. I’d been invited by Rick Spreitzer to join him and Trip Rogers for a couple of hours of trading songs in a songwriter round for staff, clients and others in 12-Step programs.

While setting up a few folks asked what kind of music we played. The puzzled looks could have been cause for my spirits to drop, but I was there to play. And play we did. It was a really well balanced round from the perspective of contrast between our songs. Though the audience was fairly sparse, they were attentive and receptive to both song and our light bantering, which often included audience members, as well as divulging intimate aspects about how songwriting impacts and affects our everyday lives.

We played these couple of hours out of a desire to share of ourselves in hopes we could spread a little joy. I believe we accomplished that objective. Truth is I was blessed by the kindness and grace of the staff and audience. I arrived without preconceived notion, and left feeling like a million bucks. Lord know I need to do more of this type of offering, and plan to reach out to other organizations.

This was the debut of the Recovery Coffeehouse, mothly installments to follow, with different writers and artists. Quite likely I’ll be a distant memory at Anuvia by Labor Day, but it’ll be a long while before the warm-fuzzy in my gut fades away. Can’t say I’d have it any other way.

Stake in the ground

Jul 11, 2009 DIY Leave a comment

It’s getting on half way through a pretty busy summer to date. Last week’s gig at the 4th of July festival with Desmond Myers was a sweet and satisfying musical experience. Desmond played well beyond his years, at the ripe old age of 17, and we were treated to a really good sound man, enabling a great jam for a very receptive crowd in downtown Greensboro, NC.

But now the schedule is settling down and it looks like the rest of summer will be relatively quiet gig-wise. I expect to have my updated web site online by end of September so this is a perfect opportunity to map out 4-6 songs for an EP to release simultaneously. Of course this means having to wrestle with picking just a few songs, and maybe even writing 1-2 new ones, without overcooking the whole effort, ending up frustrated and wishing I’d never started the project at all.

A big question is how much to track at home and how much at the studio, which is mostly dependent on balancing cost and expectations. Then there’s mastering and packing, or not… I mean, I could go for it doing the bare minimum in the studio, mostly drums and auxiliary parts, and keep the production simple, with much more likely achievable results. Reality is I don’t have a following, so to expect people to spend money on my songs may not be realistic. However distribution works out, whether per track or physical EP, the main objective is to get my material out there and begin developing a fan base.

So it’s time to change hats for a couple of weeks and layout the game plan, which needs to be pretty much in stone by August 1st if I’m going to hit the end of September target. This is both the fun and the peril of the DIY mindset, a lot of learning and adjusting on the fly. There will no doubt be frustration and heartache along the way, oh well. I’ve talked about this project for a while, it’s time to put the first stake in the ground, time to put up or shut up.

Shake… Stir… Pour

Jun 28, 2009 DIY, sojourn, songwriting Leave a comment

It’s hard to quantify how much I get out of absorbing great material, sound instruction and interaction with peers, at least until I filter what I learn into writing, recording, performing or promoting [etc.]. Here are some of the activities and objectives I focused on and participated in over the last couple of weeks:

I’m spending more and more time listening to fresh generally non-mainstream songs and writers, primarily by setting up stations on slacker.com, which enables me to listen to both old and new material by heavy-weight writers and artists like Elvis Costello, Lucinda Williams, Lyle Lovett, Shawn Colvin and Pink — the list is virtually … endless!

Though I wasn’t selected for the 2009 Horse & Writer Invitational, I was invited to attend three 1-hour conference calls with Skip Ewing, who graciously gave his time to mentor a small sub-group of writers deemed to have significant promise. As a result of Skip’s insights and encouragement, I’m asking different questions about what I’m saying in my songs and my approach to developing context and characters — plus — I played my piano for the first time in months.

I’m a TA (teacher’s assistant) for SongU.com and recorded/posted the transcript for weeks one and two [of four] of a basic theory course with Jai Josefs (Chord Chemistry). While I consider myself fairly proficient at theory, it never hurts to practice and refresh. Jai is a great instructor, and he led us through a quick but effective analysis of the Lighthouse smash “First Time” where we learned how contrasting harmonic function between sections significantly enhances the flow and punch of a song.

Last night was another solid evening of song and pickin’ with Rick Spreitzer at Summit Coffee, where we play every 4th Saturday. Then I got up early today (like, real early for a Sunday) and went into town with friends John and Cate Cloer for a photo shoot as part of my website update project; upon return (and after a sweet cat nap) I got on the horn with friend and Indie artist Brian Hartzog to kick-off planning the main topic for our next NSAI monthly meeting. The last thing I plan to do today (after a couple of hours of yard work and an early dinner) is setup an area in our bedroom strictly for writing — not recording, just writing… a desk, piano and guitar… complete with notebook, score paper and music stand.

I’m feeling pretty good about what’s going to come of all these efforts in the weeks ahead. I’ve got a several new songs in the hopper, including a couple of rewrites and co-writes. Of course, there’s rehearsal later in the week for a 4th of July gig in Greensboro with the talented Desmond Myers, the gig itself, and then prepping for my first songwriter round in quite sometime on July 18th.

I don’t expect I can keep this pace up every week, but surely hope it all leads to my becoming a better writer and performer, as well as a more complete musician and artist. Seems the more I get done the more that’s left to do. I’ll just keep shaking, stirring and pouring myself into the songs and let the chips fall where they may.