Breaking Chains
Jun 27, 2010 faith
The uproar is deafening… the Gulf disaster, economy, social strife. We yell and blog and tweet and shake fists. Misplace blame and resist and protest. To what end, to what good?
I talked with an acquaintance last night who in the last few months decided to deal with his demons though rehab, a daunting daily battle that will persist his remaining days. How is this different from my own chains? While my dependencies may not be the same, they exist and persist none the less, and need to be dealt with.
Looking to man for justice is like looking to the ocean for air. Why can’t we just all get along? Just my opinion, but our versions of justice, peace and freedom don’t line up, in many cases are agenda driven and certainly don’t always have humanity’s best interest at heart.
The last couple of weekends I participated in raising money for a cause and a friend. I don’t know how much was raised, it doesn’t matter. But the few songs I played and the interactions helped me see outside myself and respond to needs in a real way, not just words or rhetoric. A few short steps toward breaking chains that bind me — link by link.
Pick Battles Wisely
Apr 10, 2010 faith
via flickr.com
Last Sunday was Easter, and I committed to let go of some baggage that was weighing me down and holding on more loosely to life. To have less of me rule and embrace more of what I believe as fundamental to my life.
Then came Monday. SOS @ work, and I let it all get to me. I know what I’m walking into each day, a company with over 300K employees is nimble as an aircraft carrier in a river. But the problem isn’t the company, or it’s inordinate focus on making things operate in black & white when we live and die by how well we manage scope creep, the problem is me (moi).
It’s not in my nature to give up, and too often I fight battles that won’t necessarily help win the war. As I cruised the web this morning reading and looking at artwork/photos, I came across this gem, which really spoke to me both in title and image.
Each minute I get older, I’d like to think that acknowledging what an ass I am sometimes makes me wiser. As I said, I don’t see myself curling up like a pill bug waiting for the coast to clear so I can crawl to my next destination. I am who I am, and what I am, but I need to be better at that, too.
So, if I pick battles wisely, I’ll spend more time and energy on what matters, at least to me, which hopefully translates to being a better artist/writer/musician, but most importantly a better soul for the good of all things.
Thanks to Luna Park for use of photo!
a rock and a hard place
Mar 2, 2010 faith
via chromasia.com
Been feeling like I’m caught between the proverbial rock and hard place for a few days now… time for a new perspective!
Manifold Rumination
Jan 31, 2010 faith
One down, 119 to go… seems almost unimaginable that we’re done with the first month of the new decade.
It feels like I need more computing power in my head just to keep up with all I want to do and know. I’m feeling scattered, smothered and covered (not unlike Waffle House hash browns, yum!), I want answers, resolution, progress and joy. I’m reading books on who I am and how to yank it out of me, and just finished “Have a Little Faith” by Mitch Albom. I’m deep diving some thought provoking blogs, and delving into new territories of research at work. No new [finished] songs yet for the year, but there’s lots cooking.
To say I’m living in a whirlwind is an understatement, not just my own life, but the world seems one imbalance away from us having to navigate our existence as never before. From the disaster in Haiti to the often unheeded warning signs about to cause unprecedented fiscal and moral catastrophe within our once beloved borders, our once respected America. It’s almost like “we the people” have been hypnotized or we’re hibernating, will we awaken, snap out of it?
The political blame games, the Fed, the lack of reverence for human life, the expulsion of God from society, the ACLU, ACORN, the demise of capitalism, on and on… yet, special interest agendas and rights for individuals (not the people) constantly appear to be trumping common sense and civility. I cringe when I hear the folks crying out for unity and harmony, then see our “leadership” Mirandizing terrorists who want to inflict carnage on our own soil, what? To those who complain about having to take their shoes off at airport security because they see the shoe bomber’s attempt as a one-off mistake, are you for real?
Many ask, why can’t we all just get along? I guess I’d answer with another question: who is the “we”?
In my circle of friends, at home, at work, for the most part, we all get along. But there are certain neighborhoods near the very house in which I live, not so much. Forget about taking a late night stroll through once prospering neighborhoods in high profile cities like Atlanta, LA or Dallas, not wise, not safe. No need to go into what other countries do to people who inadvertently cross a border or disagree with a fundamental nationally imposed belief.
Conflict breeds innovation and war: yin and yang. The heart of man is a vile, corrupt. We tolerate and accept ideas and doctrines either because we’re forced to or because we’re too lazy to confront, perhaps driven by apathy. Some write endlessly about how one president or another is goat or hero, while the Fed, an unregulated entity, continues printing treasury bills, egregiously adding to the debt our children’s grandchildren will be accountable to cover in decades to come (FYI: the national debt is a a stack of $1000 bills that’s eight (8) miles high).
The shell game goes on, the media tells us what they want us to hear, the suspicious dig for truth. There is a body of folks that just wants to live equitably and nobly being worn down by big government, and social agendas that don’t even begin to solve real problems. Like the campaign promise rehash we got this week (aka State of the Union), and the finger wagging, see things my way or else, it’s a broken record — one that’s played over and over, the needle is dull and the static growing louder.
It’s January 31, 2010, only one month into the new decade, so much has transpired. In the news, in my own head, in my very life. Funneling it all into manageable chunks I can process and filter to keep my being moving forward without being overwhelmed is not easy, not at all. I can chose to put my hope in man-centered efforts and ideologies or have faith in the unseen.
I choose the latter. Not to impose, not to shut out those who don’t believe or agree, but hopefully to be a better me, as part of a better place, for the sake of better times.
What I Need
Today was the first day of my Christmas vacation (yay!). I got a bunch of stuff done, mostly because I planned to do so. Around Thanksgiving I promised myself I’d balance relaxing this holiday season with being productive, both practically and creatively.
It’s late in the afternoon, just before supper, I’m heating up a little left over coffee and for some reason got to thinking about my needs in life and realize, I don’t have any true needs. I get 3-squares a day, am blessed with a warm comfy house, made home by my family who I’m able to provide for by virtue of employment I’ve so fortunately retained during the see-saw year we all just went through.
But there are those with needs. Real needs for basics and necessities. On my a list of things to do while off work the next couple of weeks is to find quiet ways to bring even a little joy or relief into the lives of those I may or may not know or ever meet. So this morning I loaded up a bunch of things we had stored up to sell on Craigslist and dropped it all off to a lady who works in the food court in our building. I’m not sure if angels or true saints exist, but if they do, I’m sure she’s one of them. We’re talking about a person who prays for folks with needs to cross her path so she can find a way to help them.
Now, this wasn’t the first time we’ve shared of ourselves to provide for her ministry, but for some reason it felt sweeter today. It’s not about the content of the bags and boxes we filled, or the dollar amounts applied to each gift card we gave her, but the purpose that might be fulfilled (a hearty thanks to three long time co-workers for chipping in on very short notice to provide additional gifts). I’m so glad we were able to half fill the bed of a Silverado to bring a little hope to folks in need. Could it be the opportunity felt so meaningful today because it’s Christmas time? Could be because it’s actually what I need most in my life.
What I See
I get sermon snips everyday via email from one of my favorite pastors, Charles Stanley of First Baptist in Atlanta. This week’s messages included “The Power of Persistence”, “Perseverance”, “Time for Success” and “Using Time Well”. Wish I could say I consistently excel in all these areas, I don’t. But, I do aspire to the principals, and feel I made some really good strides this year.
Last night I cut my website over to a new version. It feels really good to have gone through this process. In the past I’ve done all this type of work myself, but this time around I engaged a friend and fellow writer/musician, John Cloer, who’s expanding his marketing horizons into web development. Thanks to John and his wife Cate (singer/songwriter), for encouraging me to get this done, and especially to John for his hard work and patience through the development process. This multi-talented duo has really blossomed this year and is quickly becoming a mainstay act in the Charlotte music scene.
Here come the holidays as I’m wrapping up my first studio effort, a four song EP, which has been a great learning experience. Though the songs will be done, I won’t have all the money to finish the project this year, but I’ll be getting pre-mastered mixes posted as soon as they are ready.
It’s also time to start mapping out 2010 and make some personal decisions that could significantly impact life as I (and my family) know it today. Most of all, I need take time to count up the blessings and look for ways to quietly give back to those who have needs. To observe life more intently and laugh a little more often, to be more resilient in situations that wear me down by sifting what really matters from the nonsense that’s so pervasive in our world today. It only takes a tiny crack for light to shine into darkness, and a heart of hope to see it.
Walk the Wire
Oct 24, 2009 faith, songwriting
Seems like forever since feeling as though I may be getting caught up on things. Though most likely a mere illusion, I woke today with that sense. I had to put some people and possibilities off to get to this point, and the only reason I’m home today is because I finally ran myself down to the point where I had to take the day off… I’m supposed to be in the studio working on finishing the EP. Not sure if I’m getting the flu or I’m just out of gas, either way, I knew I had to slow down and take a me-day.
Even though I’m “off”, I’ll likely spend some time today re-writing the potential last track for the EP titled “Walk the Wire” (at least that’s what it’s titled right now). I feel strongly about this title because it’s like I’m walking a wire with almost everything I’m doing these days. Plus, the background for my new website, which should be released in the next 2-3 weeks, has the image of wires across the top, and kinda sparked the idea to begin with.
Navigating the chaos and politics everyday at work is a high wire act, no net, no paramedic waiting below. Life at home with kids aged 9-21 is a delicate balancing act — being there for my wife and family when they need me, and staying out of the way when they don’t. Stoking the embers of creativity instead of caving in to curling up on the couch with a cup of tea or red wine is a frequent challenge I have to kick myself to do, but do I must. Carving out enough time for me to refuel by flesh, to nurture and motivate my spirit is at times an exercise in futility, exemplified by the brick wall I hit yesterday afternoon.
I argue with myself that other than the non-negotiable challenges of life, it’s my own being that puts me on that wire. Sure, I could let go of dreams most likely unattainable, or play the coward and walk away from responsibilities I’ll live with till I die… but, any way I slice it, if I don’t walk the wire, take the challenges and risks and get bloody along the way, what will I have to look back on in the end?
2009 © zero360music
Square One
Sep 26, 2009 faith
I get started with lots of projects, songs, etc., finishing, and finishing well, is the hard part. The reward for finishing well is that wonderful sense of accomplishment that pumps “mojo” into the creativity engine so I can press on. Lately I’m finding that finishing can require stepping back, even as far back as square one, which I generally have a hard time doing.
Going back to square one generally implies starting over with a clean slate. Of course not necessarily throwing away good work when it’s just a matter of missing pieces or the content I already have merely needs to be sequenced differently. Might be simple as a different font in a layout, flipping a lyric from first to third person, removing a bridge that didn’t need to be there in the first place. It all starts with stepping back and looking at the overall flow of the context of the work and my goals for the effort.
So, blah — blah, we all rewrite, redesign and reinvent… but I’m at the point now where I have bigger questions and realize I may need to go back to square one in major areas of life. My wife and I are about to celebrate our 25th anniversary. Our oldest boys are readying for major changes in their lives, which will most certainly impact our home life. We’ve lived in Charlotte for over 13+ years and can’t honestly say it’s ever really felt like home. After working at the same place at the same type of job for over 11 years now, I feel I’ve reached the point of asking what I need to do next. Though not necessarily outside the field of technology, though certainly outside the confines and politics of a huge corporation, to perhaps a situation enabling me to blend my technology experience with some semblance of meaningful endeavor(s), hopefully in a highly creative environment — not asking for much, huh?
Thinking back 10 years, I was playing music primarily at church, and perhaps enjoying it more than I had in a long while, there was purpose again. Then a shift some 2-3 years ago when I began pulling away from that environment when it became more like a job than ministry. Now, I’m writing and performing my own songs, albeit not nearly as frequently as I ought, and I’ve re-tooled and honed my musicianship. I feel ready… OK, but ready for what?
Whatever it is, I’m thinking it’s going to take more time for deliberate, honest soul searching and self-assessment, as well as reaching out to mentors and those I trust and respect for input and wisdom. Seems I’ve spent so much time and energy to get to this point in my life, whatever point it might be, that going back to square one isn’t a logical option.
Leaving NY for FL in a car that shouldn’t make it 100 miles wasn’t perceived as sound logic by my family and friends. The car died the day after I got to Ft. Myers, my life, however, was almost instantly rejuvenated. Joining the Navy as a musician at the age of 30 might seem even crazier. And though I couldn’t wait to get out after my first tour, which included turning down a bass instructor’s gig at the Armed Forces School of Music just before getting out, two years later to the date I re-enlisted. This time with a whole new outlook and set of goals. During my second mini-tour of just over two years I got to go to Russia, the Azores and take my musicianship to new heights. I also went back to school to learn technology, which ultimately led us to Charlotte, a place we had no idea even existed, to work for a software development company that was just revving up. At face value, this move didn’t make much sense, either.
In my mind, these are all square one moves, moves that had huge positive impacts on my life. Some of the fruit of these moves wasn’t there for picking early on, and each required significant growing pains, not to mention some very painful mistakes I made along the way. Maybe that’s the part that gives me greatest pause. What do I have to let go of, what struggles will come, how much faith will I need? There’s a quiet excitement surging through me, prompting me to watch and listen closely to life, to not ignore any stirring of my heart. Not sure what square one might even look like these days, good news is I don’t necessarily need to know it when I see it.
Got Hope?
Last night my wife and I had our fairly typical Friday wind down after the kids went to bed. Sure, we watched the Olympics, albeit while cruising channels in hopes of dodging the standard fare GAC video countdown, and stumbled upon a rerun of Glen Beck doing a full hour interview with Toby Keith, so we hung there for a while.
I’m a fan of both Toby and Glen, so it was interesting to see these almost exact opposites getting along, making sense, and uniting their voices in a rally cry to our country — WAKE UP! They talked about the delta between political and cultural conservatism, patriotism, the right to bear arms, and how the fact they register with different parties doesn’t make either better than the other. Oh, and, neither is sure who they’ll vote for in November, though gut tells me if doubt prevails, each will vote with the party line they claim to back.
It was really cool to see Toby, a man with a bit of a bad-ass reputation, refuse to pass judgment on social perspectives with which he doesn’t agree, or try to dodge questions about his faith in God and country. He’s a pretty basic guy who I think understands the issues and feels if you’re hated by the left and right simultaneously you are very likely on to something good.
This really got me thinking, not about politics or media hype around the coming election, but about the place I’m at with my own hopes, fears, passions, and dreams. I watched a message by Joel Olsteen last week on hope titled “You’re Closer Than You Think“. Say what you want about Joel, he’s different kind of preacher for sure, but the message hit home. He’s an encourager, not a preacher that preys on guilt trips, and I for one needed to hear that God wants to hear my heart cry for hope.
If not God, who?
I think both Glen and Toby believe strongly in God. Neither tries to shove the Gospel (Glen is Mormon) down anyone’s throat, but use fundamental (if not Biblical) principals to guide their lives and raise their families. Groan, not those old, musty principals about honesty and possessions and fidelity… not those principals about how putting our trust in hope in any man being like trying to grow coconuts in Iceland!
So, how much further do we get sucked into the “information age” while running around with our heads neatly tucked away in a dark orifice of choice? Are we safe not verifying what we read or hear from the media, whether Glen Beck, CNN, or the NY Times? How much more “information” can we process as we navigate the course of our very lives and keep the ship from smashing into lurking submerged portions of the ice berg? It’s great we have choices, it’s sad we make so many unfounded and uninformed choices.
I’m finding myself praying a lot more these days, mostly because it seems there are so many more life decisions to make and I can’t process the data fast enough. So I go to the wall, the closet, my knees, a deep breath, a quiet cry. In the end, there’s so much out of my control, all I can do is hope.
Here’s an excerpt from a lyric I’m working on for a new song:
Pain is never ordinary
Burdens get so hard to carry
When regrets I just can’t bury
Leave me numb and cold
All I have to hold
All I really know
All I have is hope
Copyright (c) Angelo Melendez
Tags: Glen Beck, hope, Toby Keith, truth
First Day
I just got done watching Larry King’s interview with the family of Steven Curtis Chapman. It’s been just over two months since their adopted daughter accidentally died in their driveway. I am grateful for their willingness to share the details of the tragedy, the journey since that day, and the faith that gives them strength to carry on.
I can’t imagine going through what they’ve experienced, I can only pray I never do. While the Chapman family’s faith is apparently strong, I wonder how they managed the first day after losing their little girl? I wonder how every reminder of her and that fateful day impact their every breath?
I saw Steven perform in early April, and even as far away as I was in the back of the venue, his joy, persona, and amazing talent was both inspiring and infectious. He said, very humbly, during the interview he now sings his songs more passionately and with deeper conviction, though just a few weeks ago he was unsure if he could ever perform again.
A woman called during the interview and shared a passage from Psalms about how before God created the first day he planned our very lives. I believe Steven and his family believe this, and their faith is so foundational that their openly sharing about the tragedy is bringing others to a place where they can better deal with grief or anger in their own lives.
Since the day I heard about the loss of their child, the Chapman family has been on my heart and in my prayers. To see them join Larry King and the world live to discuss their faith and encourage us all was a great blessing to me, and gives me reason to live out loud for what I believe. I don’t want to use the Gospel as a hammer, but a brush to paint the life I want others to see in and through me. Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of my journey… I need to be ready to make the most of it.
Tags: Chapman, Cinderella, SEE